BATHROOM STALL, NEW YORK — The Commissioner’s Office on Thursday afternoon formally opened an investigation into the actions of League Owner Shaun L. Meade in connection with the death of a mouse, affectionately known as Clarence in rodent circles, found on Meade’s property. According to Meade, Clarence was near death when Meade discovered him, and Meade only intended to put Clarence out of his misery when he crushed the Clarence’s skull with the heel of his shoe.
The League is highly sensivitive to accusations of brutal animal murders given the previous bad press that swirled around The League after Owner Mark J. Richter’s cold, calculated and senseless slaughter of his beloved pet fish Lenny. League officials have officially declared Clarence’s death a homicide, and are planning a full investigation of Meade’s actions. The Commish’s office is urging anyone who has information regarding Clarence’s death to come forward. We will update you as more information becomes available.
COMMISH’S BATHROOM STALL, NEW YORK – – In an apparent Hail Mary attempt to turn his season around, Meat Mavens owner and operator Big Tony Barlotta struck agreements with Team Thanos and Knights of Ren management on a pair of early season trades that figure to reshape the landscape of The League dramatically.
In all, the Meat Mavens shipped off second round pick Jordan Howard, 4th round pick Larry Fitzgerald and 5th round pick Tom Brady, along with free agent acquisition Tyler Eifert. In exchange, Tony acquired TY Hilton, Cooper Kupp, Kenyan Drake, Randall Cobb and Trey Burton.
The Meat Mavens are hoping that the pair of deals inject some life into the 0-3 team, particularly the woefully underwhelming wide receiver corps.
Upon the news of the second trade with The Knights of Ren breaking this afternoon, Tony issued a public statement to The League at large which seemed to indicate that the trades were as much about sending a message to the remaining players on the team as it was about improving the roster. “I demand results, plain and simple. Not including the playoff game last year I lost a total of 3 games,” Tony said. “I’m 0-3 it’s time things get shaken up and start a new chapter of this young season. Pat and the Mavens are ready to slaughter the cows.”
In yesterday’s trade, the Mavens struck a deal to send Jordan Howard to the 3-0 Team Thanos. Howard should add more strength to the ground game of the already formidable Hennin squad, especially ahead of his Week 4 rematch of last years League Championship Game against reigning champ Jacky G.
Today, the Mavens shipped Tom Brady and Larry Fitz over to the 0-3 Knights of Ren, in a move that both owners are hoping will turn the season around. While Olsen has started the season winless, there was still a sense of optimism around the team that has performed well but was unable to pick up a W in what has been a buzzsaw of a division, at least in the early-going.
How these trades will play out in the long run is anyone’s guess at the moment, but this much is clear – the 2018 League season is just beginning to heat up.
First W of the season for Bri Wyatt. I’d say it’s pretty damn impressive being your 1st round/2nd overall pick HASNT EVEN SHOWN UP TO PRACTICE YET. Fuck you Le’Veon Bell. You know the days leading up to the draft I was in serious consideration of selecting fellow Giant Saquon Barkley. The amount of parrallaism surrounding it was I had 2 overall, Barkley was selected 2 overall. I just felt like the fantasy gods were talking to me. I wish I could go back in time. Also fuck you Shady Mccoy. My first 2 picks have a combined 11.40 points through 3 weeks. Special shout out goes to Connor Fitzpatrick and Mike Evans. As the draft parrot would say “Go Bucs”
‘Twas the night before football and all through the house
There was a slight stirring, now what’s this about?
As the banner gets hung by the Eagles with care,
Ol’ Glory is hidden in the closet under Jack’s stairs.
The owners were nestled all snug in their beds,
As visions of championships danced in their heads.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Jack sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a number 13 jersey, and the smell of stale beer.
“The trophy is mine!” he heard a man say,
And he knew in an instant it must be Jay Hey!
The Ol’ Glory Bandit was at it once more
He’d snuck in the house and was at the closet door.
Jack raced down the hall in a panicking fright
“Not this time Bandit! Not kickoff night!”
He reached the living room and saw no one in sight,
It was just a bad dream, he thought with delight
And then from the wall came a rumbling sound
Down the chimney a figure came down with a bound
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot
His Mike Evans jersey tarnished by diapers and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And his head was adorned with a Silly Lanez cap.
Jack gasped at the sight, and tightened his sphincter
It wasn’t Jay Hey at all, but Markus J. Ricther!
“Hand over the trophy and I’ll give you a penny,
If you don’t take this deal, you’ll end up like Lenny!”
Jack laughed at the sight, and said “I’m not a fish”
As Jessie woke up and said “What the hell is this?”
Mark knew he’d been foiled, and ran out full throttle,
He scurried on home, and gave Lucy her bottle
But Jack heard him exclaim, as he ran out of sight
HAPPY FOOTBALL TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2018 League Preview.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The League Blog. From now on, all Previews, Podcasts, Power Rankings, Recaps, Awards, etc. will be posted on this site, which will be your one stop shop for all things The League.
I’ve got a lot of plans for this site, the first of which will be to upload The Constitution and all the spreadsheets I’ve got regarding the history of The League. Eventually once I figure out how everything works I’m going to give everyone their own logins so you guys can make your own posts as well.
The setup here gives me a lot more options with the posts than the Yahoo message board, like embedding videos and gifs to make them hopefully more entertaining. So let me know your comments, ideas for the site, whatever.
Long Live The League